AZWEAPONSITE.COM • View topic - (JOTD) You know those emails that we all get...

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

Bar Competition

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

NONEYA · **Joined:** Sat May 17, 2008 7:30 pm **Posts:** 55

NONEYA · **Joined:** Sat May 17, 2008 7:30 pm **Posts:** 55

That was good. :lol:

NONEYA · **Joined:** Sat May 17, 2008 7:30 pm **Posts:** 55

NONEYA · **Joined:** Sat May 17, 2008 7:30 pm **Posts:** 55

Blake · **Posted:** Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:11 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA... gotta be the funniest thing I've ever read!

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

Never Felt Better

One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?"

"That's right." The farmer replied.

"Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

The farmer explained. "When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him.

"When he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say 'I've never felt better in my life.'"

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

pizzaman50 wrote:

Never Felt Better

One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?"

"That's right." The farmer replied.

"Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

The farmer explained. "When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him.

"When he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say 'I've never felt better in my life.'"

Don't blame him. :lol:

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

Best Friends?

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

lucifer · **Joined:** Mon Mar 29, 2010 2:29 pm **Posts:** 54

wow that is some funny shiat right there!

UniversalFrost · **Posted:** Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:04 am

damn!!! i read this at work and my boss just came out to see what all the laughing was about.... he about fell over laughing as well..

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late."

"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

sharpshooter08 · **Posted:** Sat Jul 31, 2010 9:51 am

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

Made my morning. :mrgreen:

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

Useful Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

knockonit · **Posted:** Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:41 pm

I can relate, on a bad day.

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

HAD AN EX LIKE THAT MADR ME STRONG AND LEARNED TO HAVE NO FEAR LOL :mrgreen:

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

Written by Jeff Thomson on July 28, 2010

The Democrat voter’s pledge:

I vote Democrat because the government knows what’s best for me.
I vote Democrat because if we don’t like something, we will get it banned and outlawed.
I vote Democrat because I believe in global warming and we must spend massive money to stop it, in spite of the fact that all of the “facts” were lies.
I vote Democrat because it’s immoral for private banks to make a profit, but it’s OK for the government to do so.
I vote Democrat because the government knows how to spend my money better than I do.
I vote Democrat because the poor, lazy, and clueless have a right to my earnings.
I vote Democrat because we must have the freedom to kill as many babies as necessary, yet we must defend the rights of murderers at all cost. No, that’s not backwards.
I vote Democrat because all people should have equal access to poor health care.
I vote Democrat because unqualified minorities should be required to take jobs that qualified white people would be outstanding at.
I vote Democrat because only criminals should have guns.
I vote Democrat because if a murderous thief breaks into your house, he has a right to your stuff, and you should only have the right to run away, not defend yourself or protect your loved ones or belongings.
I vote Democrat because of eight letters: ACLU and SEIU. The ACLU – protecting criminals from good people like you.
I vote Democrat because we need to slow down. Efficiency is bad.
I vote Democrat because I hate and envy the wealthy and successful. They must be punished.
I vote Democrat because freedom of speech should not apply to opposing (conservative) viewpoints.
I vote Democrat because I’m politically correct and easily offended.
I vote Democrat because I’m not racist, but I feel the need to come to the rescue of minorities because they’re too stupid to do it themselves.
I vote Democrat because Muslims will leave us alone and learn to love us if we just stop harassing them.
I vote Democrat because light bulbs filled with highly poisonous mercury are far better for the environment than light bulbs filled with tiny wires.
I vote Democrat because the Constitution is an outdated document that I have never read and never will.
I vote Democrat because my heroes in Hollywood do.
I vote Democrat because nobody should excel or stand out – it hurts other people’s feelings.
I vote Democrat because the government knows how to deal with businesses that make a profit, as well as businesses that are failing.
I vote Democrat because all the evil in the world is because of capitalism and the United States.
I vote Democrat because people are just too stupid to control their own lives.
And finally, I vote Democrat because, well, is there any other point of view? Not according to what I learned from public schools, the media, and Hollywood.

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

The last four letters in "American" = I Can

The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can

The last four letters in "Democrats" = Rats

End of Lesson.

Test to follow in November.

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
|
| Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
|
| "Very good," said the teacher.
|
| Little Jenny was next:
|
| "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
|
| "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
|
| Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
|
| The teacher held her breath ...
|
| Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
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| "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
|
| "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
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| "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
|
| "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
|
| They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh%t!"
|
| Then I would say,"It is dog sh#t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
|
| "I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh%tty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

8-)

pizzaman50 · **Joined:** Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:48 pm **Posts:** 225

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

SatCong · **Joined:** Sun May 18, 2008 3:39 pm **Posts:** 2449